I don't know anything about basically anything. Help.?

I hear stuff all the time that I know nothing about. What is a "chode"? How do I get into this "electoral college" that every one keeps saying is so old? Why do rabbits make that terrifying noise when they're dying? Who is Alex P. Keaton? Why do armadillos frighten me to the point of nausea? How do conventional door keys work...are they electronic-chip-controlled? If so, where would the processor fit, and how much RAM do they have? Do women fart or poop? Would it help if I wore a cape to my latest job interview? Someone help. I really don't know anything about how life works.